richardbrianpenn.com

You ever out with your buddies on a random drunken night and you have one of those philosophical conversations that go something like this -

What would you do if you won 10 million dollars?

If you were going to sleep with a celebrity, which one would you choose?

Would you blow Richard Simmons for a million dollars?

And my All-Time favorite, what are the 10 worst jobs in the world that you can think of?

 Oh and no, I wouldn’t blow Richard Simmons for a million dollars.  I don’t think I’d be doing a really good job while I was crying, choking, and wondering why he didn’t just go down to the corner and find a guy who would do it for $2.  Okay, that’s just not right…so here we go…

So here’s my list (in no particular order)

10.  The janitor that cleans the  peep show booths at an adult book store

Job Description – You get to clean up all the jizz left behind

Positive – If you like the taste and smell of foul semen, it’s your lucky day

Negative – You’re probably going to be gagging and choking on the putrid smell of rotten man chowder

9. Barnyard Masturbator

Job Description – Well basically you whack off animals.  Be careful to wear some latex gloves.  You wouldn’t want to catch the swine flu by giving a pig a hand job

Positive – If you’re an animal lover, in the very very wrong sort of way, this is a dream come true. Or is that cum true?

Negative – Have you ever seen how much semen an elephant can produce? For further reference, please check out the Tom Green movie, “Freddie Got Fingered”

8. Medical Waste Baker

Job Description – You get to take those biohazard bags that doctors and nurses put needles, piss, poop, teeth, blood, guts, etc and you actually cook them in a biohazard cooker.  You’re kind of like the local baker except that if one of these bags is punctured and you just happen to be exposed to any of this bad human fluid; well your next visit to the hospital might not just be for business, but as a patient.

Positives – If you like to bake, but can’t land a job at Dunkin’ Donuts, then this may be an option for you.

Negatives – If you like the nice zesty aroma that only armpits and clam crotch can provide, you may have won the lottery.

7. Septic Tank Cleaner

Job Description – When people use the bathroom and flush their dreams goodbye, it has to go somewhere.  You’re the guy or girl who gets to clean  this piss and shit out of the septic tank. It has to go somewhere.  

Positives - For anyone who’s full of shit, this may be a fallback career.  Also if you don’t have a keen sense of smell, then you might be in luck. You could always moonlight as a Super Hero and call yourself the, “Turd Burglar”

Negatives – Occasionally the crap gets all over you and then you’ll smell like ass.

6. Parking Authority Attendant and/or Meter Maid

Job Description – You get to walk or drive around the city all day and give out parking tickets to people with expired meters or are parked in the wrong spot

Positives – If you were picked on or beaten up while you were a kid in school, this gives you a chance to gain back your power and take your anger out on the world

Negatives – You take your life into your own hands everyday because you’re just going to piss off a lot of folks who might feel that you could have made a better career choice. 

5. Bomb Expert

Job Description – You disable bombs so other people don’t blow up

Positives – You may possibly save lives and you don’t necessarily have to work everyday, but still get paid for a full time gig.  If your boss gives you crap for screwing up, you might not be around to hear him yell at you.

Negatives – The long term job security isn’t guaranteed

4. Street Walker (Hooker)

Job Description – This is the kind of prostitute who has to walk the streets for money and in exchange sells her body

Positives – It’s great if you love sex and you don’t mind catching a deadly STD.              It’s also a good form of exercise; walking that is.

 Negatives – You’re never truly appreciated, you’re frequently ripped off  (robbed), usually have to give most of your money to a pimp, and when you’re pimp isn’t beating you; you have to worry that your clients may kill or physically abuse you.  You constantly have to worry about catching a nasty disease and busted by the cops. Oh and last, but not least, those hooker shoes will destroy your feet after a few years.

3. Mosquito Researcher

Job Description – Kind of self explanatory – You research mosquitoes.  You generally set traps so you can study these pesky little creatures

Positives – If you get off from being bitten, this is the job for you.

Negatives – If you’re bitten by the wrong kind of mosquito, you’ll probably catch malaria and die.  If you elude your destiny, you’re bound to be bitten a zillion times and be constantly scratching yourself so everyone will think you’re a crack addict.

2. Fart Analyst

Job Description – You volunteer to stick your face near someone’s ass and they basically fart in your face.  This is done to find out if flatulence can be a  symptom of intestinal health.

Positives – If you have an ass fetish, this would be a killer job

Negatives – You might be knocked out cold by the killer smells of the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s.  Oh wait, that’s a commercial for a radio station.

1.      Circus Freak

Job Description – Remember seeing the bearded lady, the two headed Siamese twins, the 8 foot tall man at the state fair? Generally speaking you have to be a genetic freak and be willing to travel around the country only to be put on display for people to laugh, cry, and/or gawk at you.

Positives – Perfect if you lack education, are an exhibitionist, or hope to become as a big of a star as the Dancing Polar Bear or the Singing Monkey

Negatives – It’s no fun having all your shreds of dignity destroyed on a daily basis.

Feel free to add your job titles that could be worthy of this list in our comments section.

richardbrianpenn RBP's Thoughts