richardbrianpenn.com

It seems like yesterday that my Mom told my neighbors down the street that I was finally potty trained.  She bragged how I no longer needed to wear diapers and how I was becoming such a big boy.  Much to her dismay, in one of my first acts of defiance, I proceeded to piss all over my neighbor’s front porch. Nothing a good hosing down wouldn’t take care of. I think I was like 2 at the time.  That’s the one thing 2 year olds and the elderly have in common besides not having all of their teeth; pissing wherever they damn well please.

Yes, today is my birthday.  When you’re 5 years old; birthday’s rock.  I remember at the age of 5, I had a dinosaur birthday cake.  Today, I try to avoid cake.  It’s the calories, my friend.  I’d rather down birthday shots and worry about destroying my liver later.  

They say that as you age your nose and ears get bigger.  Fortunately, that hasn’t happened in my case.  Thanks mom and dad for the non-shrinking genes.  However, I would say even though I still sprout hair like a mad man, I have to manscape the nose, ears, and back hairs (ewwwwwwwwww I know).  The top of my head is now sporting the “buzz” as it does a good job masquerading a slightly receding hairline and a bald spot or two.

I seriously didn’t mean to depress my readers. Overall, life has treated me well.  I’ve gotten to do pretty much everything that ever I’ve wanted and desired. I’ve found love and lost love.  I’ve run some pretty successful businesses. I fulfilled my lifelong dream of playing college football for about a minute.  Okay, I was more like a practice dummy, but it was still pretty cool.

In my early 20’s I had the chance to move out to L.A. and find myself. Like everyone else, I decided to be an actor.  The highlight of my brief acting career was a day gig on a soap opera where they dubbed out my line.  Yes, you read that correctly; I had one line.  I think it was, “I’ll have a beer.”

I moved from acting to screen writing in which I was able to procure the rights to a book about a sports agent.  As they say, timing is everything.  I was in the middle of writing at what I thought was a masterpiece, and then news hit Hollywood that Cameron Crowe was making, Jerry Maguire.

I personally blame Tom Cruise for ruining my screenwriting career.  Actually, it was a blessing in disguise as the guy whose story I was writing decided he wanted me to work for him as a sports agent.  He told me that I was the most persistent SOB he’d ever met.  At that point in my life, I probably was.

Four years later and pretty much broke, I left that arena. Since those days I’ve been involved in some fantastic businesses.  I’ve run an auction house, I’ve done a lot of consulting for multi-million dollar corporations, I’ve put together multi-million dollar deals, I had my own radio show, I’ve gotten to travel all over the world, and I’m now working on a novel about my last 6 years in Philadelphia.

I think back and realize how lucky I’ve been to be able to live wherever I’ve wanted and make a really solid living.  Other than one brush with death a few years back, I’ve been as healthy as a horse.  A horse that’s not destined for the glue factory, but one of those horses they let hang out on a stud farm in Lexington, Kentucky.  Hmmm…maybe in my next life I’ll work as a stud horse.  That doesn’t sound like a bad way to live. All the hay you can eat. Do they make condoms for horses? I’ll have to make an inquiry with Trojan because I don’t think the Magnum XL’s will fit a horse.  Just thinking aloud here.

Maybe this sounds like one big braggadocios article about myself, but in all seriousness; I really don’t like my own birthday.  I love other people’s birthday’s, but my own forces me to reflect upon my life and although I think in general I’m a pretty positive person; I realize with every passing year that I’m getting older which means I’m getting that much closer to death.  Folks, we all die at some point.

It forces one to reflect upon what’s missing in their life.  In many ways I feel like I’ve done a bunch of things in my life and for whatever reason, instead of living in a cardboard box, I’m living like George and Weezie.  That’s right….. in a deluxe apartment in the sky.

Before it’s all said and done, I hope to find that passion in my life that makes me super happy.  I hope to be involved in something big; such as a business that I’m really passionate about that will afford me to retire and not have to worry about collecting my social security.  I’d rather be able to donate that government check to charity.  It would be nice to find that connection someone that you only see in those chick flick movies.  Maybe even produce a few healthy and loving babies.  Then again, that would be my attempt at cloning myself.  Is that narcissistic?

I realize many people like to vent through their Facebook status updates, but fortunately, I’ve got my blog and I know at least 3 people read it.

So having said that and with all well meaning self-deprecation; HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me.

Yours in cyberspace,

Richard Brian Penn

PS – I left out a lot of accomplishments.  We’ll save that for the obituary which hopefully won’t be out for another 40 or 50 years.  Oh, and one other note…it’s my birthday, so I’ve decided to say, “Screw the grammar and run-on sentences.”

I can only get away with this once a year.

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