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This may be the hardest piece that I’ve ever written.  By doing so, I’m admitting my own failure in permanently connecting with a woman. As Americans, we live in a world where we can have microwave popcorn in 3 minutes, chinese food delivered to your door in 10, and you can even buy a car and drive it off the lot the very same day. Heck, if you live in New York City, you can have marijuana delivered right to your apartment (and yes, it’s illegal).

Below are some examples of some of my past dates (these dates have not occurred in the past 12 months. I try to avoid writing about current romantic situations out of respect for other people’s privacy)

Date # 1-

I sit at the bar with yet another girl that I’m with on a date with.  She tells me that she wants to stay home, raise a family, never work again, and be a good wife to her future husband.  I think to myself that it would be easier to hire a housekeeper, cook for myself, employ a surrogate mother if I’m so inclined to have kids, and hire a nanny.  This almost seems like a death sentence to me.  I suppose there’s nothing wrong with this young woman’s ideas about life, but then I think to myself about the joys of slaving away, working 12-16 hour days to support my family, lowering my standard of living, crying babies, changing diapers, listening to my future wife complain about how tired she is, and how I’m going to have to beg for that once a year blow job because, well she doesn’t do “that” anymore.  I’m gonna pass, thank you.

Date #2

Another date, another night, and another girl tells me that she believes in being friends first before any romantic involvement.  The bill comes.  With tip it’s about $100.  I pull out my credit card.  She doesn’t offer to pay and thanks me for taking care of it.  I don’t mind; I have the money.  I wonder if she makes her female friends pay her way through life.  I mean, after all; friends first.  I never call her again.  It would be easier to call one of my buddies, grab a few beers, have a slice or two of pizza, watch a football game, and call a hooker (not that I would).  After all, friends first.

You often hear the phrase “Friends first,” especially if you’ve checked out any online dating profiles lately.  My take on this is that if we’re friends first, we’re only ever going to be friends.  I don’t have a problem with this, as I cherish my platonic friendships with several women in my life.  I can count on one hand how many friendships with women have ever turned into anything romantic. 

Sometimes, it’s by the woman’s choice, but usually it’s mine.  I attribute this to the fact that once I’m friends with a girl for any extended period of time, the entire mystery of her being gets thrown to the wind.  I lose any romantic desire for her.  That’s not such a horrible thing; I’m just stating a fact that pertains to my life.  Maybe it derives from knowing that finding some sort of physical activity with the opposite sex is easy to find and true friendships are even tougher to find, so why mess it up? Who knows, maybe I’m in the minority?

Men often complain that it sucks that they have to be the ones to pursue women.  Generally speaking in America we, as men, have to be the aggressors. We have to ask the woman out on a date, come up with all the entertainment plans, and usually pay for the date; at least in the beginning.  It’s just one of those unwritten societal rules.  I don’t have a problem with that. It’s something I accept.

The great part of being a man is that we have the freedom to choose with whom we want to spend our time.  Obviously the woman has to agree to go out with you, but literally as a man; I have the choice amongst millions of women to pursue a relationship. Women, unless they choose to become the pursuers and thereby go against all of society’s norms, have to wait for guys to approach them. Even the most beautiful of women are going to maybe get approached by 10,000 guys in their life.  As a man, if I so choose, I could probably find the time to say hello to at least 100,000 women in my lifetime.  The odds are stacked in my favor to find someone with whom I actually want to settle down.

Having said that, I find that in life it’s super easy to find a sexual encounter; whereas finding someone you truly connect with on a mental, physical, and spiritual level is rare.  It’s just as easy for most people to fall in love as it is out of love.  Many people settle for whatever is available.  For women it’s often that bench mark of about 25-30 years old when they say to themselves, “Man, I really want some babies, so I better settle down and make some real quick before I can’t reproduce anymore.  Tom has a good job, he’s nice to me, he lets me dress him, he’s boring as fuck, but hey…. he’d make a good life partner.”

For men, it’s “I’m tired of chasing tail, I want some regular sex, my folks want me to give them some grandchildren, I better start a family.  Lucy hasn’t gotten fat yet and after 2 years she’s still having sex with me once or twice a week.  Besides, all my buddies are married.  It kinda sucks that their wives won’t let them hang out at the bar anymore to chug beers and play darts.  Maybe I should pop the question.”

So then people get married, have kids, and 50% of the marriages end in divorce; possibly even more.  I recently read a figure that 80% of second marriages will fail.  Hey, if you can’t get it right the first time, why not give it another chance? Life as a divorce lawyer must be good, at least on the financial end.

I think there are several problems with the world we live in today.  Many women think that the only thing men want is sex.  I’m not going to lie.  When I meet a woman, the first thing that comes to my mind is, “I’d fuck her, maybe I’d fuck her, or no way I’d fuck her.”

We’re animals.  If you study basic biology you’ll learn that the male species was put on the planet to spread their seed.  Female animals were put on the earth to produce babies.  This doesn’t have to apply to your life, but this is what science dictates.

In October of 2009 former Hollywood beauty and thespian 64 year old Diane Keaton was quoted in More magazine, “I don’t think men even look at me anymore. If anything could work in that area, it would probably be if I paid him (suitor). Then I think we could work out an affable relationship. I’m totally for it! I pay for everything else.”

For a woman in her mid 60’s she’s no slouch.  Can you imagine that only 30 years ago, men were lining up to buy her dinner, begging to buy her drinks, and offering to take her on luxurious vacations just so they could engage in carnal activities with her?  Fortunately, she’s got a lot of things going on for her in her life.  It just makes me sad that so many women have adopted the attitude today of “What can this man do for me?”

I think if you’re a woman, the day men stop wanting to sleep with you is when you’re in serious trouble.  The first thing human beings look at before they even delve into the inner beauty of a person is whether they’re attracted to the exterior.  Fortunately, since we’re all unique individuals attraction for one is repulsion to another and vice versa.

Women generally want honesty, so I’m going to give it to you.  Women want sex just as much, if not more than men.  For a countless number of women, sex is more of an emotional thing, but for many it’s just as much of an animalistic act.  For others, both men and women it’s a form of validation.  A guy says to himself, “This hot girl wants to sleep with me, so I must be a worthy human being.”

 To a woman it might be, “Wow, this handsome man wants to fuck the shit out of me, so I must be a lovable and capable person.”

I believe that much of society has gotten screwed up by the media.  There have always been gold diggers, but I see an increasing number of Facebook status updates where a girl will write, “My next relationship will be for money and not love” or “It’s all about the money.”

What the fuck is this about? Not so long ago, people thought this but kept their mouths shut.  I realize this is a form of attention seeking behavior, but ladies, is this really how you want to present yourself to the world?  I go to sleep every night wondering if my next girlfriend wants to date me for money rather than for who I am as a person.

When I see stuff like this, it makes me want to throw up in my mouth.  Whatever happened about making your own money and finding someone who compliments your life? 

I understand most people have the idea that in life there’s give and take.  For instance, “I’m a hot girl, he makes a lot of money, but Bill isn’t such a great looking guy.  He should marry me and take care of me. I’m a hot girl.”

Guess what girls? Men have gotten wise to the program.  Why buy the cow when you can rent it? I mean a really wealthy guy has the freedom of dating or renting attractive girls without permanently settling down.  There are even legal papers called prenups that allow the man to leave their wife almost nothing if they decide to get out of a marriage.  The 22 year old girl who is now 40 and her husband is now 50 can trade her in for a 25 year old.  It sucks, but I’m just stating some facts.  Money can buy you pretty much anything, but love.

Ask yourself, “What can I do for myself?” After you can honestly answer that question then go out and find that suitable partner.  When a relationship is built around what the other person can do for you and not what you can  do for them, it’s doomed to fail.

John Mayer, a guy who can pretty much have any woman in the world still pines for his ex-girlfriend Jennifer Aniston, who can’t seem to hold onto a guy to save her life.  Obviously there must be issues that neither of them can reconcile to stay together; yet this guy still has strong feelings for her.  This is not the case of the average guy who finally got a super model to date him and doesn’t think he can do any better.  This is a guy who has women throwing themselves at him 24/7.  He’s a notorious womanizer, but at the end of the day, even John Mayer is looking for that connection with one person.

I’d like to believe most people want to end up with someone that doesn’t need to be with them, but actually WANTS to be with them.  We’re looking for someone who makes us better as a person and as a team than by ourselves, someone who appreciates us for all of our strengths and weaknesses, and someone who will love us even when we are old and wrinkly.  I’d like to think that it is better to be alone than to be with someone and feel even lonelier.  That’s what happens when you  settle.

I’ve come to the conclusion that people need to stop living in a fantasy world and try to remove exterior factors such as whether your friends think this other person is cool enough for you, attractive enough for you (which really means, attractive enough for them), makes enough money  to compliment your own standard of living (you’re going to have to decide that for yourself), and start thinking about whether you mentally connect with that person.  Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and figure out whether you can unite with them on an emotional and spiritual level.

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