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Ahhhhhhh September, school is back is session, football season is upon us, fall foliage is right around the corner, and summer is practically over.  For those who didn’t find love over those 100 degree August nights or their summer fling has fizzled; many find themselves jumping online to find a date. 

This can be a daunting and frustrating process for many people.  Online dating attracts people from all walks of life.  Often times you’ll find people with a lack of social intuition; you know the kind of guy who can’t get laid by going out to a bar so he tries his luck online.  Many of these people don’t take rejection very well.  Then you have the unemployed (that’s a common thing these days no matter where you meet an eligible single), too young, too old, out of shape, liars, sociopaths, criminals, and pretty much any type of human being you can imagine can be found online. 

Scared yet? Don’t be; as you’re just as likely to meet the same type of person stepping outside your front door.  It’s all a crap shoot.

The great part about online dating is that it gives you a plethora of options to jump start your romantic life.  For instance, you could email 50 people in a single day.  Good luck on starting 50 conversations walking around your city or local bar.  It just wouldn’t happen.  The rejection isn’t as stinging.  Most people, who aren’t interested, don’t bother to write back.  Many sites offer you the option of sending a “flirt” or a “wink”.  This is basically a key stroke you hit and it lets the other user know you’re interested.  From there; play ball.

If you can get past that most people will look at your pictures first before they even bother to look at your profile, then you’re one step ahead of the curve.  I’ve compiled a list for women to help them become more successful in finding a compatible partner in navigating their online dating adventure.

1. Post at least 2 pictures.  It’s 2010; pretty much everyone has access to a scanner or digital camera.  Make sure your pictures show your face and at least one showing your body.  It need not be a swimsuit picture, but a picture that people can get an idea if you’re slender, medium sized, or plus sized.  Remember, everybody has their type.  Some guys love a thick woman and some guys are just looking for a model type of body.  Wouldn’t you rather a guy meet up with you knowing what he’s getting ahead of time physically?  Remember, most men don’t fall for a woman’s personality immediately.  Face, body, and then personality.  I didn’t write the rules here. Try to keep your pictures somewhat recent too.

2. If you have children, you can mention them in your profile.  However, don’t post pictures of your kids.  Can we say Predators list?

3. Don’t post overly revealing pictures of yourself (i.e. – posting a picture in your thong bikini) and then write in your profile, “If you’re just looking for sex, don’t bother writing.”  HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO…when you post a picture like that, the first thing that comes to the male brain is SEX.  Stating the obvious here folks.

 4. Body Type – Many sites give you the option of listing your body type.  If you’re 5 feet tall and 160 lbs, you’re not petite. That’s like a guy who’s balding saying he has a full head of hair. You’re best option is to just leave the body type part blank or an always safe bet is to list – Average. 

 5. Check your grammar and typos.  You’d like people to understand the message you’re trying to convey.  After all, you are really writing an ad to sell yourself (that goes for men and women).

 6. DO NOT WRITE YOUR PROFILE IN ALL CAPS – DOESN’T THIS ANNOY YOU?

 7. Keep it positive.  It’s best not to write about how you’ve been heartbroken and and hurt in life.  Or how all men are liars and scumbags.  I don’t know many guys who want to spend their time with someone who sounds like they hate men.  Perhaps the type of guy who spends his Sundays trying the country side looking for road kill to add to his collection?

 8. Don’t go on public personal attacks about some other member of the site who you feel wronged you and post their asinine emails or comments.  Contact the system administrator; they’ll most likely have the user removed from the site.

 9. Leave out all the things you don’t want in a man.  Again, keep it positive.  Write about the attributes you’re looking for in a guy.  What sounds better to you?  “I’m looking for a professional man, interested in the arts, enjoys BYOB’s, travel, and has a good heart.”  OR “Not interested in men under 5’10”, no religious fanatics, no unemployed scumbags with bad credit, people who kick their dog, or out of shape guys.”  I’m going to go with the first one.

 10. Humor, creativity, and a fun profile go a long way.

 11. This should be common sense. Don’t disclose your full name, where you live, your social security #, you know the usual things to keep you safe in your profile.  The great part about dating online is that it does give you some sort of screening process.

Remember, don’t take this so seriously.  This is supposed to be fun and possibly jump start your love life.  If you don’t meet Prince Charming, hopefully you’ll have fun along the way.

Feel free to post your suggestions in the comments section.  I’ll be doing a follow-up article for men in the near future.

richardbrianpenn RBP's Thoughts

“Blog 1-2 times a month.  If I’m lax one month, I might have to write 3 or 4 in the following month.” http://www.richardbrianpenn.com/?p=1509

That was one of my New Years resolutions written on January 7^th of this year.  Well folks, I haven’t kept my word.  I’ve been feeling super guilty, but even though I’ve thus far failed on resolution #1 under the Easy Resolutions, I’ve surpassed #4 in the same category, “Make more money through my regular business ventures.  Another cakewalk since I’m not devoting over 20 hours a week to my radio show anymore.”

So, YAY or Boo for me, depending upon how you see things.

I’ve found that very few people in life really excel in more than one area.  Sure, there are exceptions to the rule, but how many professional athletes are brilliant scholars, successful businessmen (I’m referring to during their playing careers), world class thespians, and so on?

How many world class investment bankers have much to talk about besides the economy or the stock market? How super models have really anything relevant to say about world politics?

My point is that in life, if you want to really exceed in one area, often times the other segments will suffer.  I’ve spent the past several months digging myself out of a financial mess and so far I’m kicking some butt.  The part of my life that I’ve really let slide would be my writing and my personal life.

I’ve been telling friends and anyone who will listen to me for years, that when you have stuff on the brain, you should write.  Some of the best literary works throughout history have been written when the author was feeling exceptionally angry or emotional.  Today more than anytime in history it appears that people are unhappy, angry, stressed out, confused, scared, you name it; there’s an emotion that a lot of people are feeling. 

I’ve noticed an increasing number of people leaving the most asinine Facebook and Twitter updates.  They lash out at their friends and family when they’re upset.  They have the best day ever and need to tell everyone about it.  It seems though that girls in the 21-25 year old demographic seem to have the most amount of “Best Day Evers.”

I don’t understand why I get a bunch of mass deletes when I post, “Took the Best Crap Ever.  Finally Was Able to Grunt like the Man that I am! After dropping Bombs, I screamed from the top of my lungs THAT WAS THE BEST SHIT EVER!!!!!. Now that my colon has been cleaned out, I’m going down to AC and party like a rock star at the Chelsea! Txt or BBM me if you’re in!!!”

I know, I know, the horror, the horror.

My point in all of this nonsensical rambling is that if people just took the time to write a journal for 20 minutes a day and then went back and re-read all of their musings in a better state of mind; I promise you that a significant number of people would feel better about being able to jettison their feelings and emotions.  They might even realize how ridiculous they were behaving in the previous 24 hours.

In closing I thought I’d write up a list of things I’ve been questioning lately.  Feel free to leave the questions that have been on your mind in the comments area.  Or perhaps you have the answers to all my questions.  And for that, I thank you, Yoda.

RBP’s Questions on the Brain

1. Why do some people get tattoos over their entire bodies and arms?
2. Why do so many young girls spend their weekends in bathrooms shoving cocaine up their nose? (I’ve been thinking that they are just trying to slowly kill themselves)
3. Why has our society become so PC that anytime someone famous says something controversial, the masses feel the need to assemble, ban, boycott, or protest?
4. Why do people feel the need to share every aspect of their personal lives in a virtual world?
5. Why don’t I write more often so I can annoy the shit out of you?

 Thank you for reading and by all means, do come again.

 Xo,

RBP

richardbrianpenn RBP's Thoughts

The opening credits to this Bravo Network reality TV show opens with the following narration:

To a certain group of people in New York City, status is everything – Alex

I never feel guilty about being privileged – LuAnn

New York City is my playground – Bethenny

I run with a fabulous circle of people – Jill

I like making my own money, I find that an aphrodisiac – Ramona

I’ve created a great life, and I love living it – Kelly

I have a taste for luxury and luxury has a taste for me – Sonja

After hearing some of these women speak, it makes me want to throw up in my mouth.  This is season 3 of the show and I admit; I’m addicted.  Initially, I first started watching it because I had met Simon and Alex almost 10 years ago when I was living in NYC.  I thought that they were one of the strangest couples I had ever met.  When I saw they were appearing on this show, I had to tune in.  I figured, if anything they’d be entertaining.  Hence my addiction to this show began.

LuAnn

The show’s premise is about the lives of socialites in New York City; however the irony is that when it first premiered, the only socialite of any note was the Countess, Luann de Lesseps.  The rest of the cast were pretty much a bunch of wannabes.  Luann married into royalty when she married French count Alexandre de Lesseps with whom she is now divorced.  She is a former nurse and model.  She made her money the old fashioned way, she married it.  By the way she conducts herself; you’d think she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth.  She reminds me of one of those people who usually fly coach and got bumped up to first class.  She has a real sense of entitlement as seen on the show.  It amuses me to no end that she seems depressed that circumstances have relegated her and her children to living in the Hamptons while trying to find a place back in the city.  Luann can not understand how the cost of living in New York City has become so exorbitant. Those alimony checks from the Count can only stretch so far.  Maybe it’s time to find another filthy rich guy to take care of her?

Jill

Jill Zarin is known as the Queen of Fabrics.  She’s recently earned the title as the Queen of Mean. This formerly chubby yenta is pushing 50 and pretty much mentions in every episode this season that she’s a size 1.  Hellllllllllllllllllllooooo Jill, you are not a size one.  If you’re a size one, then I’ve got a 32 inch waist and six pack abs.  The fashion designers are fooling you.  I must admit that since the show began 3 years ago, you’ve taken your average dumpy looks and worked really hard.  I must applaud your trainer, your dedication to dieting, plunking down some coin on plastic surgery, or all of the above.  Whatever it is; it’s working. You GO GIRL!!!

During the first season, Jill sounded like the voice of reason on the show.  She’d call it like it is and came off as the frumpy girl who hung out with the popular girls in high school.  This meant that she was the one that everyone came to for advice and she always would supply whatever information was asked of her.  She was careful not to step on anyone’s toes, but would seek the company of girls who were prettier and more popular than herself.  This would give her a nice sense of being. 

You can tell by her thick Long Island accent, that she didn’t grow up wealthy.  She may have been around wealthy people, but she definitely wasn’t born with a silver spoon in her mouth.  If she had been, her folks would have sent her off to prep school in New England and helped her rid herself of that atrocious voice of hers.  I think the best thing that happened to her in life is that she met her second husband Bobby.  Mr. Zarin is definitely the sweetest and most genuine person on the show.  She should thank her lucky stars every night when she goes to sleep that she met this man.  The interesting thing is that he does as much as possible to stay off the show.  Go figure.

I really used to like Jill, but it seems that she’s let this new found fame go to her head and she’s become this prim donna pseduo celebrity.  If she could channel the Jill Zarin of 3 years ago she’d definitely end up back on my favorites list.

Kelly

Kelly Bensimon is a former fashion model who is a writer and the lucky recipient of a fat alimony check.  Kelly is the hot dumb girl on the show.  She was a former editor for Elle Magazine.  Her whole sense of self worth stems from her past marriage to International Creative Director at Elle and a world renowned fashion photographer.  Hmmmmm…now we know how she got that gig. She’s forever looking for that next husband who can give her the same status that she once enjoyed by being married to Gilles.

The only nice thing I can say about Kelly based on her actions on the show is that she does seem like she might be a nice person; that is, if you’re a man and she deems you worthy of her attention.

Sonja Morgan

Sonja is a new member of the cast for season 3.  She is immensely likable.  This 47 year old cougar makes no bones about her addiction to plastic surgery and looking hot while pushing 50.  Of course she’s another recipient of a HUGE alimony check.  She is the former wife of John Morgan; one of the heirs to the JP Morgan fortune.  

Interestingly enough, she calls author, Coerte V.W. Felske a friend.  Coerte wrote a novel entitled, “The Millenium Girl” which would be considered a how-to book for any aspiring gold digger with Major League aspirations of landing a guy on the Forbes 400 list.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I highly recommend the book http://www.amazon.com/Millennium-Girl-Coerte-V-Felske/dp/0312976976

In episode 9, Sonja is almost in tears when she speaks about feeling lost after having to oversee the running of 5 homes all over the world to having been reduced to living in her luxury townhouse equipped with its’ own elevator in one of Manhattan’s swankiest parts of town.  Even though 99.9% of the world’s population can’t relate to this, I still like the girl.  I’d definitely have a drink with this sex kitten anytime.  Just drop me a note of Facebook, Sonja.

Bethenny

Bethenny Frankel is the only member of the cast who wasn’t an NYC housewife when the show began.  She was almost like the poor stepchild who was being mentored by Jill Zarin.  Maybe Jill’s attraction to Bethenny is that she aspired to get into the type of shape that Bethenny seems to carry year round. Subsequently she and Jill have have the longest and nastiest running feud on the show.  Sometimes the closer you are to people in the life, the tougher the break up can be.  It would be likened to a divorce that’s being followed all over the world.  Their relationship reminds me of the movie, “Mean Girls.” 

Bethenny is definitely the drama queen of the show, if not for Jill Zarin.  Miss Frankel finally got what she wanted and found herself a guy who would marry her and impregnate her in the form of a guy named Jason Hoppy.  The funny part about their relationship is that they’ve built Jason up to be this big time mysterious businessman, when in all actuality he’s just a working schlub like you or I.  He is a medical sales rep and dabbles as a personal trainer.  Hey, everybody’s gotta get their hustle on in the NYC.

Ramona Singer

Ramona is the certifiable lunatic on the show.  She didn’t grow up with money, but this mid 50’s cougar has done well by marriage and by the blood, sweat, and tears of working her way up the fashion ladder.  It would be safe to say that she has a good mind for business, but a 2 cent brain when it comes to common sense.  All of this can be explained by her abusive childhood that she pretty much refers to in every episode this season. Note to Ramona, your abuse ended well over 30 years ago; get over it. I could write all about her neurosis, but this video of her walking down the catwalk says it all

Alex

Alex is the only New York City Housewife who doesn’t live in the city.  The city being that of Manhattan.  Yes, I know that Brooklyn is one of the 5 Burroughs and you’re subject to paying a city tax, but Brooklyn ain’t the Big Apple.  The interesting thing about Alex is that she is actually a very sweet person and so is her sexually confused husband, Simon. 

Alex is probably the least physically attractive member of the cast, yet she thinks she’s quite the HOTTIE.  If by hottie, we mean, Skeletor; then by all means, Alex could be a pinup model.  You can tell based on how she speaks, she’s undergone a lot of therapy and like Jill, she was that unpopular girl always trying to fit in with the cool kids. 

I am truly happy for Alex and Simon as they’ve been able to milk this show for all its’ worth to become apart of outside ventures that stem from the show.  I believe they are making some serious bucks because of their affiliation with the show.

Overview

All in all, this is a television show that makes some very interesting viewing.  It’s an anthropologist’s dream in human psychology and behavior.  No matter how hard people try to pretend that they are classy, mature, and sophisticated; reality television will strip these folks down and show them in all their ugliness.

On the other hand, the trade off is that these people have become famous and have financially reaped the rewards of being on this show.  They’ve gotten book deals, marketing deals, development deals, and tons of business opportunities.  In fact, people such as Simon and Alex and Bethenny who weren’t RICH when the show started may end up having the last laugh.

richardbrianpenn RBP's Thoughts

It seems like yesterday that my Mom told my neighbors down the street that I was finally potty trained.  She bragged how I no longer needed to wear diapers and how I was becoming such a big boy.  Much to her dismay, in one of my first acts of defiance, I proceeded to piss all over my neighbor’s front porch. Nothing a good hosing down wouldn’t take care of. I think I was like 2 at the time.  That’s the one thing 2 year olds and the elderly have in common besides not having all of their teeth; pissing wherever they damn well please.

Yes, today is my birthday.  When you’re 5 years old; birthday’s rock.  I remember at the age of 5, I had a dinosaur birthday cake.  Today, I try to avoid cake.  It’s the calories, my friend.  I’d rather down birthday shots and worry about destroying my liver later.  

They say that as you age your nose and ears get bigger.  Fortunately, that hasn’t happened in my case.  Thanks mom and dad for the non-shrinking genes.  However, I would say even though I still sprout hair like a mad man, I have to manscape the nose, ears, and back hairs (ewwwwwwwwww I know).  The top of my head is now sporting the “buzz” as it does a good job masquerading a slightly receding hairline and a bald spot or two.

I seriously didn’t mean to depress my readers. Overall, life has treated me well.  I’ve gotten to do pretty much everything that ever I’ve wanted and desired. I’ve found love and lost love.  I’ve run some pretty successful businesses. I fulfilled my lifelong dream of playing college football for about a minute.  Okay, I was more like a practice dummy, but it was still pretty cool.

In my early 20’s I had the chance to move out to L.A. and find myself. Like everyone else, I decided to be an actor.  The highlight of my brief acting career was a day gig on a soap opera where they dubbed out my line.  Yes, you read that correctly; I had one line.  I think it was, “I’ll have a beer.”

I moved from acting to screen writing in which I was able to procure the rights to a book about a sports agent.  As they say, timing is everything.  I was in the middle of writing at what I thought was a masterpiece, and then news hit Hollywood that Cameron Crowe was making, Jerry Maguire.

I personally blame Tom Cruise for ruining my screenwriting career.  Actually, it was a blessing in disguise as the guy whose story I was writing decided he wanted me to work for him as a sports agent.  He told me that I was the most persistent SOB he’d ever met.  At that point in my life, I probably was.

Four years later and pretty much broke, I left that arena. Since those days I’ve been involved in some fantastic businesses.  I’ve run an auction house, I’ve done a lot of consulting for multi-million dollar corporations, I’ve put together multi-million dollar deals, I had my own radio show, I’ve gotten to travel all over the world, and I’m now working on a novel about my last 6 years in Philadelphia.

I think back and realize how lucky I’ve been to be able to live wherever I’ve wanted and make a really solid living.  Other than one brush with death a few years back, I’ve been as healthy as a horse.  A horse that’s not destined for the glue factory, but one of those horses they let hang out on a stud farm in Lexington, Kentucky.  Hmmm…maybe in my next life I’ll work as a stud horse.  That doesn’t sound like a bad way to live. All the hay you can eat. Do they make condoms for horses? I’ll have to make an inquiry with Trojan because I don’t think the Magnum XL’s will fit a horse.  Just thinking aloud here.

Maybe this sounds like one big braggadocios article about myself, but in all seriousness; I really don’t like my own birthday.  I love other people’s birthday’s, but my own forces me to reflect upon my life and although I think in general I’m a pretty positive person; I realize with every passing year that I’m getting older which means I’m getting that much closer to death.  Folks, we all die at some point.

It forces one to reflect upon what’s missing in their life.  In many ways I feel like I’ve done a bunch of things in my life and for whatever reason, instead of living in a cardboard box, I’m living like George and Weezie.  That’s right….. in a deluxe apartment in the sky.

Before it’s all said and done, I hope to find that passion in my life that makes me super happy.  I hope to be involved in something big; such as a business that I’m really passionate about that will afford me to retire and not have to worry about collecting my social security.  I’d rather be able to donate that government check to charity.  It would be nice to find that connection someone that you only see in those chick flick movies.  Maybe even produce a few healthy and loving babies.  Then again, that would be my attempt at cloning myself.  Is that narcissistic?

I realize many people like to vent through their Facebook status updates, but fortunately, I’ve got my blog and I know at least 3 people read it.

So having said that and with all well meaning self-deprecation; HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me.

Yours in cyberspace,

Richard Brian Penn

PS – I left out a lot of accomplishments.  We’ll save that for the obituary which hopefully won’t be out for another 40 or 50 years.  Oh, and one other note…it’s my birthday, so I’ve decided to say, “Screw the grammar and run-on sentences.”

I can only get away with this once a year.

richardbrianpenn RBP's Thoughts