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The opening credits to this Bravo Network reality TV show opens with the following narration:

To a certain group of people in New York City, status is everything – Alex

I never feel guilty about being privileged – LuAnn

New York City is my playground – Bethenny

I run with a fabulous circle of people – Jill

I like making my own money, I find that an aphrodisiac – Ramona

I’ve created a great life, and I love living it – Kelly

I have a taste for luxury and luxury has a taste for me – Sonja

After hearing some of these women speak, it makes me want to throw up in my mouth.  This is season 3 of the show and I admit; I’m addicted.  Initially, I first started watching it because I had met Simon and Alex almost 10 years ago when I was living in NYC.  I thought that they were one of the strangest couples I had ever met.  When I saw they were appearing on this show, I had to tune in.  I figured, if anything they’d be entertaining.  Hence my addiction to this show began.

LuAnn

The show’s premise is about the lives of socialites in New York City; however the irony is that when it first premiered, the only socialite of any note was the Countess, Luann de Lesseps.  The rest of the cast were pretty much a bunch of wannabes.  Luann married into royalty when she married French count Alexandre de Lesseps with whom she is now divorced.  She is a former nurse and model.  She made her money the old fashioned way, she married it.  By the way she conducts herself; you’d think she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth.  She reminds me of one of those people who usually fly coach and got bumped up to first class.  She has a real sense of entitlement as seen on the show.  It amuses me to no end that she seems depressed that circumstances have relegated her and her children to living in the Hamptons while trying to find a place back in the city.  Luann can not understand how the cost of living in New York City has become so exorbitant. Those alimony checks from the Count can only stretch so far.  Maybe it’s time to find another filthy rich guy to take care of her?

Jill

Jill Zarin is known as the Queen of Fabrics.  She’s recently earned the title as the Queen of Mean. This formerly chubby yenta is pushing 50 and pretty much mentions in every episode this season that she’s a size 1.  Hellllllllllllllllllllooooo Jill, you are not a size one.  If you’re a size one, then I’ve got a 32 inch waist and six pack abs.  The fashion designers are fooling you.  I must admit that since the show began 3 years ago, you’ve taken your average dumpy looks and worked really hard.  I must applaud your trainer, your dedication to dieting, plunking down some coin on plastic surgery, or all of the above.  Whatever it is; it’s working. You GO GIRL!!!

During the first season, Jill sounded like the voice of reason on the show.  She’d call it like it is and came off as the frumpy girl who hung out with the popular girls in high school.  This meant that she was the one that everyone came to for advice and she always would supply whatever information was asked of her.  She was careful not to step on anyone’s toes, but would seek the company of girls who were prettier and more popular than herself.  This would give her a nice sense of being. 

You can tell by her thick Long Island accent, that she didn’t grow up wealthy.  She may have been around wealthy people, but she definitely wasn’t born with a silver spoon in her mouth.  If she had been, her folks would have sent her off to prep school in New England and helped her rid herself of that atrocious voice of hers.  I think the best thing that happened to her in life is that she met her second husband Bobby.  Mr. Zarin is definitely the sweetest and most genuine person on the show.  She should thank her lucky stars every night when she goes to sleep that she met this man.  The interesting thing is that he does as much as possible to stay off the show.  Go figure.

I really used to like Jill, but it seems that she’s let this new found fame go to her head and she’s become this prim donna pseduo celebrity.  If she could channel the Jill Zarin of 3 years ago she’d definitely end up back on my favorites list.

Kelly

Kelly Bensimon is a former fashion model who is a writer and the lucky recipient of a fat alimony check.  Kelly is the hot dumb girl on the show.  She was a former editor for Elle Magazine.  Her whole sense of self worth stems from her past marriage to International Creative Director at Elle and a world renowned fashion photographer.  Hmmmmm…now we know how she got that gig. She’s forever looking for that next husband who can give her the same status that she once enjoyed by being married to Gilles.

The only nice thing I can say about Kelly based on her actions on the show is that she does seem like she might be a nice person; that is, if you’re a man and she deems you worthy of her attention.

Sonja Morgan

Sonja is a new member of the cast for season 3.  She is immensely likable.  This 47 year old cougar makes no bones about her addiction to plastic surgery and looking hot while pushing 50.  Of course she’s another recipient of a HUGE alimony check.  She is the former wife of John Morgan; one of the heirs to the JP Morgan fortune.  

Interestingly enough, she calls author, Coerte V.W. Felske a friend.  Coerte wrote a novel entitled, “The Millenium Girl” which would be considered a how-to book for any aspiring gold digger with Major League aspirations of landing a guy on the Forbes 400 list.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I highly recommend the book http://www.amazon.com/Millennium-Girl-Coerte-V-Felske/dp/0312976976

In episode 9, Sonja is almost in tears when she speaks about feeling lost after having to oversee the running of 5 homes all over the world to having been reduced to living in her luxury townhouse equipped with its’ own elevator in one of Manhattan’s swankiest parts of town.  Even though 99.9% of the world’s population can’t relate to this, I still like the girl.  I’d definitely have a drink with this sex kitten anytime.  Just drop me a note of Facebook, Sonja.

Bethenny

Bethenny Frankel is the only member of the cast who wasn’t an NYC housewife when the show began.  She was almost like the poor stepchild who was being mentored by Jill Zarin.  Maybe Jill’s attraction to Bethenny is that she aspired to get into the type of shape that Bethenny seems to carry year round. Subsequently she and Jill have have the longest and nastiest running feud on the show.  Sometimes the closer you are to people in the life, the tougher the break up can be.  It would be likened to a divorce that’s being followed all over the world.  Their relationship reminds me of the movie, “Mean Girls.” 

Bethenny is definitely the drama queen of the show, if not for Jill Zarin.  Miss Frankel finally got what she wanted and found herself a guy who would marry her and impregnate her in the form of a guy named Jason Hoppy.  The funny part about their relationship is that they’ve built Jason up to be this big time mysterious businessman, when in all actuality he’s just a working schlub like you or I.  He is a medical sales rep and dabbles as a personal trainer.  Hey, everybody’s gotta get their hustle on in the NYC.

Ramona Singer

Ramona is the certifiable lunatic on the show.  She didn’t grow up with money, but this mid 50’s cougar has done well by marriage and by the blood, sweat, and tears of working her way up the fashion ladder.  It would be safe to say that she has a good mind for business, but a 2 cent brain when it comes to common sense.  All of this can be explained by her abusive childhood that she pretty much refers to in every episode this season. Note to Ramona, your abuse ended well over 30 years ago; get over it. I could write all about her neurosis, but this video of her walking down the catwalk says it all

Alex

Alex is the only New York City Housewife who doesn’t live in the city.  The city being that of Manhattan.  Yes, I know that Brooklyn is one of the 5 Burroughs and you’re subject to paying a city tax, but Brooklyn ain’t the Big Apple.  The interesting thing about Alex is that she is actually a very sweet person and so is her sexually confused husband, Simon. 

Alex is probably the least physically attractive member of the cast, yet she thinks she’s quite the HOTTIE.  If by hottie, we mean, Skeletor; then by all means, Alex could be a pinup model.  You can tell based on how she speaks, she’s undergone a lot of therapy and like Jill, she was that unpopular girl always trying to fit in with the cool kids. 

I am truly happy for Alex and Simon as they’ve been able to milk this show for all its’ worth to become apart of outside ventures that stem from the show.  I believe they are making some serious bucks because of their affiliation with the show.

Overview

All in all, this is a television show that makes some very interesting viewing.  It’s an anthropologist’s dream in human psychology and behavior.  No matter how hard people try to pretend that they are classy, mature, and sophisticated; reality television will strip these folks down and show them in all their ugliness.

On the other hand, the trade off is that these people have become famous and have financially reaped the rewards of being on this show.  They’ve gotten book deals, marketing deals, development deals, and tons of business opportunities.  In fact, people such as Simon and Alex and Bethenny who weren’t RICH when the show started may end up having the last laugh.

richardbrianpenn RBP's Thoughts

It seems like yesterday that my Mom told my neighbors down the street that I was finally potty trained.  She bragged how I no longer needed to wear diapers and how I was becoming such a big boy.  Much to her dismay, in one of my first acts of defiance, I proceeded to piss all over my neighbor’s front porch. Nothing a good hosing down wouldn’t take care of. I think I was like 2 at the time.  That’s the one thing 2 year olds and the elderly have in common besides not having all of their teeth; pissing wherever they damn well please.

Yes, today is my birthday.  When you’re 5 years old; birthday’s rock.  I remember at the age of 5, I had a dinosaur birthday cake.  Today, I try to avoid cake.  It’s the calories, my friend.  I’d rather down birthday shots and worry about destroying my liver later.  

They say that as you age your nose and ears get bigger.  Fortunately, that hasn’t happened in my case.  Thanks mom and dad for the non-shrinking genes.  However, I would say even though I still sprout hair like a mad man, I have to manscape the nose, ears, and back hairs (ewwwwwwwwww I know).  The top of my head is now sporting the “buzz” as it does a good job masquerading a slightly receding hairline and a bald spot or two.

I seriously didn’t mean to depress my readers. Overall, life has treated me well.  I’ve gotten to do pretty much everything that ever I’ve wanted and desired. I’ve found love and lost love.  I’ve run some pretty successful businesses. I fulfilled my lifelong dream of playing college football for about a minute.  Okay, I was more like a practice dummy, but it was still pretty cool.

In my early 20’s I had the chance to move out to L.A. and find myself. Like everyone else, I decided to be an actor.  The highlight of my brief acting career was a day gig on a soap opera where they dubbed out my line.  Yes, you read that correctly; I had one line.  I think it was, “I’ll have a beer.”

I moved from acting to screen writing in which I was able to procure the rights to a book about a sports agent.  As they say, timing is everything.  I was in the middle of writing at what I thought was a masterpiece, and then news hit Hollywood that Cameron Crowe was making, Jerry Maguire.

I personally blame Tom Cruise for ruining my screenwriting career.  Actually, it was a blessing in disguise as the guy whose story I was writing decided he wanted me to work for him as a sports agent.  He told me that I was the most persistent SOB he’d ever met.  At that point in my life, I probably was.

Four years later and pretty much broke, I left that arena. Since those days I’ve been involved in some fantastic businesses.  I’ve run an auction house, I’ve done a lot of consulting for multi-million dollar corporations, I’ve put together multi-million dollar deals, I had my own radio show, I’ve gotten to travel all over the world, and I’m now working on a novel about my last 6 years in Philadelphia.

I think back and realize how lucky I’ve been to be able to live wherever I’ve wanted and make a really solid living.  Other than one brush with death a few years back, I’ve been as healthy as a horse.  A horse that’s not destined for the glue factory, but one of those horses they let hang out on a stud farm in Lexington, Kentucky.  Hmmm…maybe in my next life I’ll work as a stud horse.  That doesn’t sound like a bad way to live. All the hay you can eat. Do they make condoms for horses? I’ll have to make an inquiry with Trojan because I don’t think the Magnum XL’s will fit a horse.  Just thinking aloud here.

Maybe this sounds like one big braggadocios article about myself, but in all seriousness; I really don’t like my own birthday.  I love other people’s birthday’s, but my own forces me to reflect upon my life and although I think in general I’m a pretty positive person; I realize with every passing year that I’m getting older which means I’m getting that much closer to death.  Folks, we all die at some point.

It forces one to reflect upon what’s missing in their life.  In many ways I feel like I’ve done a bunch of things in my life and for whatever reason, instead of living in a cardboard box, I’m living like George and Weezie.  That’s right….. in a deluxe apartment in the sky.

Before it’s all said and done, I hope to find that passion in my life that makes me super happy.  I hope to be involved in something big; such as a business that I’m really passionate about that will afford me to retire and not have to worry about collecting my social security.  I’d rather be able to donate that government check to charity.  It would be nice to find that connection someone that you only see in those chick flick movies.  Maybe even produce a few healthy and loving babies.  Then again, that would be my attempt at cloning myself.  Is that narcissistic?

I realize many people like to vent through their Facebook status updates, but fortunately, I’ve got my blog and I know at least 3 people read it.

So having said that and with all well meaning self-deprecation; HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me.

Yours in cyberspace,

Richard Brian Penn

PS – I left out a lot of accomplishments.  We’ll save that for the obituary which hopefully won’t be out for another 40 or 50 years.  Oh, and one other note…it’s my birthday, so I’ve decided to say, “Screw the grammar and run-on sentences.”

I can only get away with this once a year.

richardbrianpenn RBP's Thoughts

All my bags are packed, I’m ready to go
I’m standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin’, it’s early morn
The taxi’s waiting, he’s blowin’ his horn
Already I’m so lonesome I could cry.   – as sung by Peter, Paul, and Mary and written by John Denver

Maybe you’ve noticed but, I haven’t posted anything in over a month.  Well folks, I was on holiday over in Asia.  I along with three of my friends visited Hong Kong, Malaysia, Cambodia, and Thailand.  There was going to be an entire detailed blog dedicated to my trip, but you can check out the pictures on Facebook (presuming we’re friends).

I’ll give a brief summary of my trip and some observations I’ve made.  Hong Kong was a cool city, but it seemed as though if you were walking around downtown and walked 10 blocks and then walked another 10 blocks, you’d feel like you were circling back around the original 10 blocks.

That was a mouthful. Confused? As they say over in Asia, “Same same, but different.”

I guess you could say if I never visited Hong Kong again in my life; I’d be ok with that.  Malaysia was a pretty country, but other than hanging out with some wild monkeys and meeting some very cool and friendly people; I wasn’t that impressed.

Cambodia on the other hand is a country deep in rich history.  We stayed in Siem Riep and met a total of 3 Americans.  It was a gorgeous place with extremely friendly people.  Everyone walked around with smiles on their faces and were appreciative of any business you threw their way.  We visited what seemed like a zillion temples, including the big one; Angkor Wat.  This place was exposed to the rest of the world after the film, “Lara Croft Tomb Raider” was released in 2001.  Let me say, that I’ve been all over the world and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so extraordinary.

Another highlight of Cambodia was going down the Mekong River which known for its’ houses on stilts and homes built in the middle of the river.  Riding along in this boat, if you closed your eyes; you could imagine that you were being thrown into the movie, “Apocalypse Now.”  It was absolutely surreal. If we would have continued 8 hours up the river, we would have landed ourselves in Viet Nam.  Queue up the music to “Platoon” or “Good Morning Viet Nam.”

I’ll never forget our ATV tour through remote villages where we were greeted on the sides of the road by hundreds of kids waving and yelling hello to us.  We even got to see this forgotten temple that is usually covered by water during much of the year; due to flooding.

Our last stop was Thailand where we hung out on the tropical island of Koh Sumui. Flying in, the landscape from the plane reminded me of the movie, “The Beach.”  It was nice just to be able to relax, take in some rays, and enjoy a very rich nightlife.

After Sumui we had the final leg in Bangkok.  To sum up our few days there, check out this Youtube video

richardbrianpenn RBP's Thoughts

This may be the hardest piece that I’ve ever written.  By doing so, I’m admitting my own failure in permanently connecting with a woman. As Americans, we live in a world where we can have microwave popcorn in 3 minutes, chinese food delivered to your door in 10, and you can even buy a car and drive it off the lot the very same day. Heck, if you live in New York City, you can have marijuana delivered right to your apartment (and yes, it’s illegal).

Below are some examples of some of my past dates (these dates have not occurred in the past 12 months. I try to avoid writing about current romantic situations out of respect for other people’s privacy)

Date # 1-

I sit at the bar with yet another girl that I’m with on a date with.  She tells me that she wants to stay home, raise a family, never work again, and be a good wife to her future husband.  I think to myself that it would be easier to hire a housekeeper, cook for myself, employ a surrogate mother if I’m so inclined to have kids, and hire a nanny.  This almost seems like a death sentence to me.  I suppose there’s nothing wrong with this young woman’s ideas about life, but then I think to myself about the joys of slaving away, working 12-16 hour days to support my family, lowering my standard of living, crying babies, changing diapers, listening to my future wife complain about how tired she is, and how I’m going to have to beg for that once a year blow job because, well she doesn’t do “that” anymore.  I’m gonna pass, thank you.

Date #2

Another date, another night, and another girl tells me that she believes in being friends first before any romantic involvement.  The bill comes.  With tip it’s about $100.  I pull out my credit card.  She doesn’t offer to pay and thanks me for taking care of it.  I don’t mind; I have the money.  I wonder if she makes her female friends pay her way through life.  I mean, after all; friends first.  I never call her again.  It would be easier to call one of my buddies, grab a few beers, have a slice or two of pizza, watch a football game, and call a hooker (not that I would).  After all, friends first.

You often hear the phrase “Friends first,” especially if you’ve checked out any online dating profiles lately.  My take on this is that if we’re friends first, we’re only ever going to be friends.  I don’t have a problem with this, as I cherish my platonic friendships with several women in my life.  I can count on one hand how many friendships with women have ever turned into anything romantic. 

Sometimes, it’s by the woman’s choice, but usually it’s mine.  I attribute this to the fact that once I’m friends with a girl for any extended period of time, the entire mystery of her being gets thrown to the wind.  I lose any romantic desire for her.  That’s not such a horrible thing; I’m just stating a fact that pertains to my life.  Maybe it derives from knowing that finding some sort of physical activity with the opposite sex is easy to find and true friendships are even tougher to find, so why mess it up? Who knows, maybe I’m in the minority?

Men often complain that it sucks that they have to be the ones to pursue women.  Generally speaking in America we, as men, have to be the aggressors. We have to ask the woman out on a date, come up with all the entertainment plans, and usually pay for the date; at least in the beginning.  It’s just one of those unwritten societal rules.  I don’t have a problem with that. It’s something I accept.

The great part of being a man is that we have the freedom to choose with whom we want to spend our time.  Obviously the woman has to agree to go out with you, but literally as a man; I have the choice amongst millions of women to pursue a relationship. Women, unless they choose to become the pursuers and thereby go against all of society’s norms, have to wait for guys to approach them. Even the most beautiful of women are going to maybe get approached by 10,000 guys in their life.  As a man, if I so choose, I could probably find the time to say hello to at least 100,000 women in my lifetime.  The odds are stacked in my favor to find someone with whom I actually want to settle down.

Having said that, I find that in life it’s super easy to find a sexual encounter; whereas finding someone you truly connect with on a mental, physical, and spiritual level is rare.  It’s just as easy for most people to fall in love as it is out of love.  Many people settle for whatever is available.  For women it’s often that bench mark of about 25-30 years old when they say to themselves, “Man, I really want some babies, so I better settle down and make some real quick before I can’t reproduce anymore.  Tom has a good job, he’s nice to me, he lets me dress him, he’s boring as fuck, but hey…. he’d make a good life partner.”

For men, it’s “I’m tired of chasing tail, I want some regular sex, my folks want me to give them some grandchildren, I better start a family.  Lucy hasn’t gotten fat yet and after 2 years she’s still having sex with me once or twice a week.  Besides, all my buddies are married.  It kinda sucks that their wives won’t let them hang out at the bar anymore to chug beers and play darts.  Maybe I should pop the question.”

So then people get married, have kids, and 50% of the marriages end in divorce; possibly even more.  I recently read a figure that 80% of second marriages will fail.  Hey, if you can’t get it right the first time, why not give it another chance? Life as a divorce lawyer must be good, at least on the financial end.

I think there are several problems with the world we live in today.  Many women think that the only thing men want is sex.  I’m not going to lie.  When I meet a woman, the first thing that comes to my mind is, “I’d fuck her, maybe I’d fuck her, or no way I’d fuck her.”

We’re animals.  If you study basic biology you’ll learn that the male species was put on the planet to spread their seed.  Female animals were put on the earth to produce babies.  This doesn’t have to apply to your life, but this is what science dictates.

In October of 2009 former Hollywood beauty and thespian 64 year old Diane Keaton was quoted in More magazine, “I don’t think men even look at me anymore. If anything could work in that area, it would probably be if I paid him (suitor). Then I think we could work out an affable relationship. I’m totally for it! I pay for everything else.”

For a woman in her mid 60’s she’s no slouch.  Can you imagine that only 30 years ago, men were lining up to buy her dinner, begging to buy her drinks, and offering to take her on luxurious vacations just so they could engage in carnal activities with her?  Fortunately, she’s got a lot of things going on for her in her life.  It just makes me sad that so many women have adopted the attitude today of “What can this man do for me?”

I think if you’re a woman, the day men stop wanting to sleep with you is when you’re in serious trouble.  The first thing human beings look at before they even delve into the inner beauty of a person is whether they’re attracted to the exterior.  Fortunately, since we’re all unique individuals attraction for one is repulsion to another and vice versa.

Women generally want honesty, so I’m going to give it to you.  Women want sex just as much, if not more than men.  For a countless number of women, sex is more of an emotional thing, but for many it’s just as much of an animalistic act.  For others, both men and women it’s a form of validation.  A guy says to himself, “This hot girl wants to sleep with me, so I must be a worthy human being.”

 To a woman it might be, “Wow, this handsome man wants to fuck the shit out of me, so I must be a lovable and capable person.”

I believe that much of society has gotten screwed up by the media.  There have always been gold diggers, but I see an increasing number of Facebook status updates where a girl will write, “My next relationship will be for money and not love” or “It’s all about the money.”

What the fuck is this about? Not so long ago, people thought this but kept their mouths shut.  I realize this is a form of attention seeking behavior, but ladies, is this really how you want to present yourself to the world?  I go to sleep every night wondering if my next girlfriend wants to date me for money rather than for who I am as a person.

When I see stuff like this, it makes me want to throw up in my mouth.  Whatever happened about making your own money and finding someone who compliments your life? 

I understand most people have the idea that in life there’s give and take.  For instance, “I’m a hot girl, he makes a lot of money, but Bill isn’t such a great looking guy.  He should marry me and take care of me. I’m a hot girl.”

Guess what girls? Men have gotten wise to the program.  Why buy the cow when you can rent it? I mean a really wealthy guy has the freedom of dating or renting attractive girls without permanently settling down.  There are even legal papers called prenups that allow the man to leave their wife almost nothing if they decide to get out of a marriage.  The 22 year old girl who is now 40 and her husband is now 50 can trade her in for a 25 year old.  It sucks, but I’m just stating some facts.  Money can buy you pretty much anything, but love.

Ask yourself, “What can I do for myself?” After you can honestly answer that question then go out and find that suitable partner.  When a relationship is built around what the other person can do for you and not what you can  do for them, it’s doomed to fail.

John Mayer, a guy who can pretty much have any woman in the world still pines for his ex-girlfriend Jennifer Aniston, who can’t seem to hold onto a guy to save her life.  Obviously there must be issues that neither of them can reconcile to stay together; yet this guy still has strong feelings for her.  This is not the case of the average guy who finally got a super model to date him and doesn’t think he can do any better.  This is a guy who has women throwing themselves at him 24/7.  He’s a notorious womanizer, but at the end of the day, even John Mayer is looking for that connection with one person.

I’d like to believe most people want to end up with someone that doesn’t need to be with them, but actually WANTS to be with them.  We’re looking for someone who makes us better as a person and as a team than by ourselves, someone who appreciates us for all of our strengths and weaknesses, and someone who will love us even when we are old and wrinkly.  I’d like to think that it is better to be alone than to be with someone and feel even lonelier.  That’s what happens when you  settle.

I’ve come to the conclusion that people need to stop living in a fantasy world and try to remove exterior factors such as whether your friends think this other person is cool enough for you, attractive enough for you (which really means, attractive enough for them), makes enough money  to compliment your own standard of living (you’re going to have to decide that for yourself), and start thinking about whether you mentally connect with that person.  Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and figure out whether you can unite with them on an emotional and spiritual level.

richardbrianpenn RBP's Thoughts